She didn’t have to die
She didn’t say a word at first. She just placed a photograph into my hands. I looked at the face of an attractive women I took to be in her late thirties. “This was my daughter,” she said. “She took her life seven months ago.” I held her as she sobbed and waited for her words to come. They came like pain-filled rifle fire. “She was struggling with depression-on the staff of a large church-asked for time off to get help-told they don’t believe in that-she should pray, she should pray! Now she is dead.” I wept too for I have heard these stories before. I have been featured in these stories before.
I was hospitalized in 1992 with severe clinical depression. I went from being co-host of the 700 Club on the Christian Broadcasting Network one morning to being in the locked ward of a psychiatric hospital that night. I felt as if I had gone to hell. My father died in a psych hospital when he was in his thirties and for me they are the place of nightmares. In truth, God took me to a prison to set me free. He showed me that even if I make my bed in hell nothing can separate me from his love. I believe I met an angel that first night. I pulled the covers off the little bed and sat in the corner of the room so afraid, so alone. At about 3AM a young women walked into my room and placed a small, soft toy into my hands. It was a lamb. As she turned to leave she said to me, “Sheila, the Shepherd knows where to find you.” I never saw her again.
I learned so much about depression and other mental illness during my month stay. I learned that I was struggling not because of a lack of faith but a lack of Serotonin, a chemical needed for proper brain function that some of us do not produce enough of. I learned too that there is still such ignorance about such illnesses and crippling stigma within the church. I have no desire to be the poster child for depression or medication but I still take my pill every morning with a prayer of thanksgiving that God had made this help available for those of us who need it. My hope is this, you may not understand this illness then find out what you can so that we, as the church can be a place of healing and hope not shame and judgement. As I think of the young women whose photograph I held I know this, she didn’t have to die, she just needed help. I want to be part of that army
SHEILA WALSH
Thank you so much for telling a little bit of your story. I too take one little pill in the morning to help me. The Church has condemmed me and judged me. They just don’t know how to respond to me. It helps to know that I am not alone, and God is working miracuously in my life. People are starting to notice.
my heart just sank… but i’m so glad someone like you can speak into a subject like this to tell people they aren’t alone.
I don’t regret one moment because I can look into the eyes of someone in the darkest place and tell them they are not alone and they can make it
THANKS SHELA SO MANY TIMES I FEEL SO ALONE AND I DO HAVE GREAT FRIENDS, BUT FELT LIKE LIFE IS GOING NOWHERE SO NOW I WAIT FOR GOD TO ANSWER MY PRAYERS, YOU ARE AN INSPIRATION TO ALL. I LOVE AND BLESS YOU DEARLY.
Thank you Wendy-I understand the lonliness. I feel that too at times even though I have great friends. I think it’s the legacy of Eden, things are not how they were ever meant to be
Thank you Sheila. I, too, am on anti-depressants. I, too, worked for a church for 5 years that was not supportive. Thank God I left there and am healing . . . It’s sad that the church is not helping instead of hindering the wellness of the people. I am at a new church where I do a lot of volunteering. It is a very special place and I am very comfortable with the love they give.
As a pastor’s wife and battling depression myself, it is hard to find compassion within the church. People don’t want to be around me unless I’m up and peppy…which means I’m alone most of the time. I just long for heaven, where all will be as it should be.
Isn’t that sad Deena? That’s why I initially said, no to joining Women of Faith because I thought I’d have to go around looking ‘fixed’. Instead I found women who love God and tell the truth, come hang with us next time we’re in your part of the country
Don’t give up, Deena. I know how that feels too, and heaven will be wonderful, but we really do have to wait until our Father invites us home. Keep hanging in there, and if you can force yourself to praise God out loud now matter how bad you’re feeling, it will help. Take the little pill if you can find one that works for you, and don’t let anyone give you a hard time over it because of their ignorance. I know all of this because of my own experience, and because I am a doctor of psychology myself.
Sheila I pray for those who suffer. I know first hand some who refuse to get help because of the stigma and not the understanding that you body may need a chemical it is not producing. Thank you for your transparency and honesty. Your willingness to say you sought help and understanding may lead the way for others to do the same. No one should be ashamed of their depression and no one should be ashamed to seek the help needed. So often the church is the first to point the finger at one another when we should love unconditionally and support. Yesterdays post about playing basketball with Christian ran in my head all night. At one point I just cried because I choose my kids first. Functions, events and church Bible studies are not the priority. I choose to minister to my family first and I felt so edified. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing this … my family has a history of depression/mental illness. I am thankful my husband serves on staff at a church where we talk about these things … and encourage people to seek help.
Wow! You still take medication? I thought you were “healed”, 100%, no medication. That is SUCH good news! Healing can still include medication? Wow! That fact in itself is such a release. Thank you Sheila, you don’t know how much that small fact means to me.
OK-you made me laugh out loud!!!
I’m glad our church doesn’t reject this.
thank you Sheila, for writing this. you are probably my favorite twitterer, and now will be one of my go-to bloggers. you are soo honest it just makes me smile in a hopeful way.
Heartbreaking is not nearly strong enough to describe this. Thank you for sharing. God truly comforts us in our trials so that we can be a comfort to others. I hold fast to this belief as tightly as any belief I have. We’re all broken (at some time, at some level) and all in need of restoration from our Heavenly Father. Bless you!
My daughter called me last night in our conversation she told me about the co+worker who helped her this last 10 months as a paramedic with they company he comitted siucide with a wife 4 children and one on the way on thanskgiving afternoon instead of going to work drives into the woods upnorth in wisconsinhas a standoff with the police and shots him self so out of character for this guy if people need help they should reach out if you see someone who needs help you need to reach out call someone take thei hand and be there for them
That is heartbreaking Ruth
Bless your heart, Sheila. I’ve heard much from several of your pals on the porch about this too… thank you for being transparent and allowing God to use your pain to help so many feel less alone in thier crises. I also pray regularly that the church becomes a haven for those of us hurting who are already within it’s walls, instead of becoming fish in a barrel, as is so often the case.
First, even though I know it’s been a while and you’ve openly spoken of it, it’s humbling to see you sharing that part of your story. I wish I could say the atmosphere the “church” today is welcoming to someone who is so open but as a former addict I know better than that.
Compassion and grace are something that is in short supply and I have to admit I’ve been stingy with giving in the past. Even when my heart is breaking for someone like it’s breaking now for the woman you wrote about here I can sometimes find myself being short with that person in need. I’m working on having my outpouring match the heartache.
As for your army of help…get me a uniform.
You got it:)
This is so sad but so true. I am so thankful to work at the church I work at. Our Sr Pastor extends grace and time off when needed. I have been allowed to work through 2 years of cancer treatment, never once feeling my job was at risk. I have also had fellow staff take time to deal with past abuse, depression, and other issues. Our church is a safe place to let Christ work his miracles when will Christians realize a cut to a finger or a cut to the spirit,they both need to be healed. I pray the Lord opens all our eyes to where we need to make changes. I too want to be part of that army
“a cut to a finger or a cut to the spirit,they both need to be healed.” I love that!
wow…this is so true. Thank you so much for this Sheila. I have had some issues with this as well. I am sorry to the family that lost this young lady. I pray for all of them. I also thank you for having such a sharing heart. You have touched my life in the story of your dad and this so much.
You are an amazing woman and GOD has blessed all of us to be able to have you share your story. Thank you!
Thank you Donna
God I love you.
Thank you Sheila, for being a voice for people who suffer from depression. God bless this sweet mother who lost her daughter. I pray that her death wasn’t in vain and that it wakes up the members of her church to the truth.
Amen to that!
Sheila, I tell everyone that you are such an inspiration. If only we all as Christians could just love and not judge, can you imagine what a wonderful place that would be. I haven’t dealt with depression myself but I have so many friends that pray for that help they need on a daily basis. Thank you for the true Christian example you show us in every word you speak and action you take!
My daughter called me yesterday in the middle of my conversation she mentioned a co-worker who was so helpful during her 10 months as a paramedic he committed sucide in the northwoods in wis a wife and family no sigbs why but a lot of broken hearts my husbands aunt and uncle dead a year from each other from suicde my brother-in-law died 4 years ago from suicide I guess what I want to say is we all see people who are all of a sudden not them selves withfrawn and now with the holidays around us please please keep your eyes open and be there for those out there who need us .
this is just one story that makes you want to shout from a rooftop..there`s no such thing as perfect people,and we as a body need to come together,humbly,being as tranparent as we can, to receive the help we need from other believers.
Sheila I admire your trust and courage to talk to this person about your past…my husband took his life 5 years ago. I so wish I could have that day back and do something different for him…I now know there is so much help out there for anyone going through this…I didnt know the depths of his depression til a half an hour before he did it…I had to leave to pick my 5 yo daughter up from daycare. She and I found him together…she remembers more of that night than I do…she has done very well in much counseling and I hope someday she can mentor other children in same situations….I dont blame him for anything, I will never know what he was going through and the pain he had.
Tina your post made my cry. I was your daughters age when my father ended his life in the river behind the psych hospital where he was a patient. I know that her pain and yours will not go unredeemed
Sheila: Thank you so much for giving voice to this pertinent issue. I, too, have been treated for depression since mid 1990′s.
It is a painful illness if left untreated and potentially fatal. Even worse, are the severe wounds inflicted by ignorant words from uneducated church folks. I have heard it said, the church is the only place that “shoots its own wounded.” The is a travesty. Keep speaking, Sheila.
Thank you for this reminder and reassuarance that depression is real and that folks need to get help.
I battle with it terribly. However my meds do not work very well since I have chronic ailments. Meds for these illnesses carry the disclaimer that they tend to increase depression. Great…just what I need. But the ‘side effect’ information does say that it increases depression in some people and, of course’ the ‘some people’ is me.
I pray for help and I try my best each day.
But I love your writings as I see hope and a future through your thoughts on electronic paper. Thank you for dropping a blog or two on this topic – it helps and I love your tweets on day-to-day life: Regular ol’ stuff but with a comic, insightful flare. Thanks!
Thank you for sharing this, Sheila. It has been and continues to be so very important for us to be aware of those around us who are hurting and to understand the correct way to reach out to them. As an abuse survivor, I have received the same responses from people as this young lady did. I am happy that I have found hope and am now actively involved in changing how we in the church respond to hurting people. I helped start a ministry in NH called REAL Grace for Women, http://www.realgracenetwork.org and have since moved to Maryland where we are getting ready to launch our first group in Jan. 2010. I’m seeing the difference these small groups are making not only in the lives of other women but it continues to make in my life as well. It’s just one resource God has brought my way to continue the healing and to keep hope alive!
That is very cool Karen. Let me know when your new website is up in January and I’ll post the link
It’s already up!
http://www.realgracenetwork.org. There’s links for groups in New Hampshire and links for groups in Maryland. Thanks so much, Sheila. I’m so grateful for your support. I also want to echo what so many have said here, I truly admire your courage in speaking out your story and your experience and the hope you have through it all. I feel honored to be able to listen. 
Well, sweet girl– as you well know, the Taffs are all about ‘better living through chemistry’! Chemical imbalances in the brain should be as non-controversial among Christians as chemical imbalances in the rest of the body, i.e. diabetes or anemia. Sadly, they’re usually not. People fear and judge what they don’t understand, it’s just human nature, but those attitudes can create such guilt and hopelessness in the soul of someone who is trying so very hard to pray/study/will themselves out of depression. Thankfully, courageous people (like you) are continuing to speak the truth and remove the shame. Bless you!
And you sweet, wacky friend!!:)
thank you sheila. i have serious depression and was in the hospital several years ago. i was afraid to take medication….i was sure i was letting god down. “depression is a choice”…i’ve heard it so many times. i now take 3 different meds and am able to function. church? not for a long time. the judgement is too painful and i’m already in pain.
my heart hurts for the mom who lost her daughter. how many more daughters will we lose before christians……especially pastors…reach out in love and compassion to those of us who hurt so deeply?
So sorry Donna. I pray that you know that there is no judgement in God’s heart towards you only love and I am honored to call you sister
thank-you for your honesty–it helps to know that it is not my lack of faith(sigh of relief)i get told that I don’t rely on God enough by people and I have let that effect relationships with the ones I care most about most-so thanks once again–This so helps me you don’t even know I feel a weight being lifted
OH Goodness…. my sister is one who didn’t have to die. She too committed suicide 9 yrs ago at the age of 29. Yrs of praying and failed attempts to keep her on her meds ended in Jan 2001. My parents will never be the same. Losing a sister is one thing. Watching your parents grieve the loss of their oldest child is another. For that, I will never be the same. THANK YOU for sharing this and for being so bold to give depression a face. It’s a real illness that needs real care. We can’t hide from this one forever… Thank you again and God bless you and your family. I’ve continued to pray for you since hearing you at WOF in St. Louis this year. You’re a gem.
Melanie-I can’t even imagine that kind of pain
Dearest Sheila,
I do admire you greatly. Thanks for being so honest and your openess has really been a great blessing to the many who have written here!! God bless you richly and all those who suffer from depressions: Know that God loves you so much. You are so precious in his sight. You are in his heart always too when darkness surrounds you and almost overwhelms you — his light is in you and you are in his loving hands and he will be your light! Love to all of you – from Agnethe in Denmark
Agnethe-that you so much for your sweet words:)
You said this well and I understand.
I appreciate your thoughts on this so much. I have many friends who have dealt with, and are dealing with depression. It’s comforting to know that women such as yourself speak out about the reality of depression for Christians.
My husband and I have talked so much about the way Christianity is lived out (or NOT lived out, rather…) in America. Many months ago, we were sitting in a place downtown in a near city that served “adult” drinks. We found it ironic that we felt more accepted in a place like that than we had in most churches. This my friend, should not be.
That would be a big Amen right there:)
I am no longer on medication but I was for a few years. I wasent in a psych ward like you but I remember wondering what was wrong with me. Here I was a christian and I am on meds for depression. If I had more faith then I wouldnt need meds. My family didnt even understand. I Thank God now that he does even use medication to heal people. Thank You for sharing your story.
I heard someone say a quote (but can’t remember by whom) one time and it unfortunately was very true. It was something like “Why are Christians the only army that shoots it’s own wounded soldiers?” So sad and yet so true. It breaks my heart and angers me at the same time, to hear stories such as these. I get up every morning and take a little blue pill to help my body replace what it’s missing because my thyroid doesn’t work properly…and no-one says a thing about it. Some of my friends take a different coloured pill to replace their seratonin and they get outcast or told they are not Christian enough. UGH!!!
Hugs to all who have gone through such heartbreaking situations and hugs to those who will go through it. When people are idiots to you (Is it ok to say that on here?) just remember that: “God created your inmost being and you are fearfully and wonderfully made”. (Psalm 139) Also remember that “The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.” (Zephaniah 3:17) and He has “engraved you on the palm of His hand.” (Isaiah 49)
Sheila thank you so much for your openness and honesty. You are a living example of how God uses places, people and things here on earth to help us and to heal us. We ALL have “issues”, some are just more obvious than others.
Lot of love,
Marlene (aka Marskids2)
Totally ok to call people idiots:)
hahaha
I feel that way now most of the time, husband lost his job this year, I am working 12 hours a day 3 days a week. My son might go to jail and my daughter health isn’t the great. I don’t feel like doing anything anymore. I worry about paying bills, making sure we have foodto eat and many other things. I am very depressed these day. Seems like me and my husband is always into it over something stupid, money and kids.
Judy you sound exhausted, what a lot for one woman to carry. Money and kids, yep that pretty well sums up the root of so many things that tear at us. I will pray for you Judy
Sheila, Thank you so much for this post. I too take that little happy pill every day. I have always struggled with it until I came to a church of amazing grace, Oak Hills in SA with the one and only Max. Denalyn has spoken on her struggles and wow, what connection I felt with her. I now refuse to feel ashamed of my “happy pill” and my slow functioning chemicals. It saddens me to know the ignorance of so many and that healing is available i so many ways. By the way, you are my favorite on twitter as well. I think you love your dogs almost as much as me. Blessings to you and your great ministry to so many.
Thank you, Sheila. My dear friend Kristin took her life last May. I sobbed in the church parking lot which is where I was when I heard the news. Kristin was an attorney and going through a divorce after ten years of marriage.
I too am on medication for depression and it is the *grace of God* that kept me from taking a bottle of pills one night. My life verse is Ps. 118:17 “I will not die but live and declare the worls of the Lord.” That verse came in handy that fateful night.
I also suffer from chronic fatigue and many of my Christian friends believe that if I prayed more, worshipped more, or repented more, I would be healed of chronic fatigue. Ha, ha, ha! God has given me a sense of humor through my tears. As Job said, “God knows the way I take and when I am tried, I will come forth as gold.” I am going for the gold. It’s not easy, but with God’s help, I will receive the crown of righteousness in glory and celebrate my non-medicated life for eternity!
I understand that. The verse that I love and hold on to so many times is Psalm 27 “I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living!”
Several years ago after a W.O.F. conference’s meet-and greet (I forgot what they were called then) I thanked you for putting a “face” with depression. I feel so often that we as Christians are judged not only by non-believers but also by other believers, that it’s a lack of faith to suffer depression. How can we be depressed if we have God? If we have ‘the joy, joy, joy, joy down in our heart’ then how can we be so weak. It took we a long time to admit to myself, let alone others that I was depressed. I didn’t want to appear weak or not in control. I looked happy on the outside because that is how others expected me to be. I am so thankful that through your personal testimony, that depression is neither a weakness nor a lack of faith.
On theI am sure part of mine is from issues in my past. My father was an abusive alcoholic who made me feel worthless up until a few hours before he died. On the outside, I looked happy but inside
Sheila, your life has touched mine so much. You know I have suffered severe depression and anxiety. I attempted suicide last year after my mother passed away. I take antidepressants and probably will the rest of my life. I know that I can’t go with out them without spiraling into a pit. I have other issues as well. I am so thankful for you and your testimony. Your words of encouragement help me everyday. I have read all of your books and each one has helped me in some way. I am thankful that you have been so willing to share your life and your struggles as well as your victories. You have blessed my life in more ways thank I could ever let you know. Thank you, Amanda
Sheila,
HAve you heard of Faithnet? It is a faith based part of NAMI. The reach out to the faith community about mental health and end the stigma and shame associated with severe mental illnesses.
http://www.nami.org and http://www.faithnet.org for more information.
Thanks Wayne-I’ll post that link on my site
Thank you so much for sharing. There is still such a stigma associated with depression or any mental health issue especially in the church. We judge and we criticize and we give up on people when we should love them and help them any way that we can. Thanks again for courageously sharing your story and that of this mom.
Thank you Sweet Sheila for continuing to put the issue of depression in the faith community out there. By your compassion many are saved and the battle to understand is winning. So many of my loved ones suffer from depression. Sadly I found out almost 6 yrs. ago that depression is the #1 cause of suicide. My friend ended her life then. Leaving behind a husband of 16 yrs. & 3 children, 11, 9 & 7. She was so involved with her family,church & community. I know she didn’t want to leave a legacy like this for her kiddos. The pain just became too great. No one knew or saw this pain though. She seemed to have it all together. I believe she had the misunderstanding that if you walked with Christ you shouldn’t be depressed:( I am relieved that mental health issues and causes are becoming more open. I was happy to see Glenn Close and her sister start a foundation to address this issue. Praying for you and all those you touch. Praying for the suffering it causes the whole family. Take care.
Thank you, Sheila, for your transparency about ALL your issues. I can’t tell you how much it means to me. Maybe God can use me yet! I have taken almost every antidepressant there is, and am now on nothing because the side effects of each of the drugs I have taken have made it impossible for me to continue (including weight gain). I also deal with fibromyalgia and lately a new and different set of pains in my joints and swelling in one leg!. I’m looking for a new doctor to perhaps find out if there is something else going on. LIving with chronic pain and depression can make life interesting! God is good, and right now I cope pretty well most of the time. Get a little weepy, but I can deal with that. And God has used me to help other Christians who are going through this, too. I’m also a doctor of biological psychology (behavioral neuroscience). Funny, I can tell you what’s going on in your brain (and it’s actually more than just too little serotonin) and mine, but I sure can’t fix it!! If the drug works, take it!! Wish I could find one. Blessings!!
gayle
Wow Gayle-life is full of ironies as your note makes very clear. I didn’t do so well on Zoloft but I do much better on Cymbalta. you’re right the last thing a depressed woman needs is a medication that makes you gain weight!!
Tears well up as I read this post…thank you for your transparency. So many of us struggle with wondering if we are weak or defective if we are depressed, sad, whatever. Thank you.
I received a suicide letter in the mail from my daughter a few weeks ago. She is living with her Birth Mom and in her 2nd year of college. I cut the cord when she was born and knew she was the biggest gift from God ever. I just didn’t know that I’d be raising her in an abusive home. This last April after a trip to Banff my daughter painfully integrated herself from my life. She said I ruined her life the day I tried to take mine and for that she can never forgive me. I am healing from a LONG term domestic violent relationship. After being counselled by my Pastor, who knew I was being physically abused, that LOVE CONQUERS ALL, just have faith..That’s when I had no hope and downed a whole bottle of Atavan. My daughter is the one who found me and says she is broken and can never be fixed. The only time I’ve talked to her in 7 months is to tell her she can be fixed. I’m a perfect example. As I sit here at my computor writing a persuasive speech on domestic violence, I thank God for those Psychiatric hospitals, His Healing Hand, for Sheila’s books,and for protecting my daughter. Pray for Sarah.
Marla my heart aches for you and for your daughter. I’m sure she is angry but underneath all of that is fear. i pray that time will give her some perspective on the situations in life that take us to places we never thought we would go. I will pray for Sarah but I will really pray for you that you will have peace Marla. Thank you for sharing a bit of your story
I appreciate this safe place to share and for your insight in regards to Sarah’s feelings. It helped me alot. With the help of your book “Let Go” and “God has a Dream for Your Life” I’ve been able to get thru these last 7 months. I lost my job in March and I have to Let Go of THAT situation daily. Now I’m back in college after 37 years which is a dream come true!!..&…Lovin every second of it!!!..Except these Finals..:(…Still Letting Go of my daughter as well…Thank you for your prayers…Have a Blessed Holidays, Sheila!!
WOW!!!! thank youi for posting this. I have been on and off of medication for depression since the age of 15…but for the last few years I have not been taking anything because it made me feel sick to my stomach and like a zombie. I also stopped taking it because I thought if I did I was weak in my faith and that I was not trusting God enough to heal me…NOW I KNOW that God was healing me through the medication. Thank you so much Shelia for this post. I am going to start back on my medication and maybe start taking it at night until my body gets used to it. THANK YOU JESUS for having Sheila post this…I am NOT alone=)
take care
peace,hugs,prayers
boldness and blessings
carrie
No, you are not alone.
I, too, had a ‘crash course’ in seratonin. I say ‘crash course’ because that was what it felt like . . . as if I’d crashed. Through much intercessory prayer, I received healing. God gave us the gift of medical science. All healing comes from Him, and I believe that He is using my medications to heal my body. It is heartbreaking to think of those whose lives turned a different direction than mine did at that critical breaking point. I pray my life will glorify Him and that miraculous healings will continue in abundance in His kingdom! Spirit of the Living God, fall afresh on me.
My first thoughts rushed to the little girl Sheila, the daughter of a parent with depression/mental illness Sheila. It took me back there so quickly, I teared up before I could stop myself from going there, from feeling like that little girl again whose mum was your dad. It made me attach to Jesus, read missionary biographies from the age of 5 because they were so deep, and talk to Jesus, “When I’m afraid, I trust in you…when I’m afraid, I trust in you…” It’s so tough too be little. And then just young and battle-weary. Mum always said she would commit suicide but is still living; my brother never said he would commit suicide but he did, and at 37, well after our childhood. God made me a listener from birth but these made me sensitive, a seer into souls, an encourager. Sheila, when you thought of marriage & family, did you long for “normal” (light, healthy, sweet memories…) and intentionally decide to do everything in your power to bring it about?
I’m not sure I had any idea what ‘normal’ looked like Candace. What I do know is that I continue to take my medication really for my son’s sake. I don’t want him growing up with an emotionally unstable mom. I’ve tried a couple times to come off meds but I don’t do well and I can feel myself sinking fast. so i do everything I can to let Christian experience as much ‘normal’ as is possible in this crazy world
Christian is fortunate to have you as his mum Sheila. You found a solution to a big thing and you did it. And, you’re still doing it. That’s something to be greatly admired.
I saw your Twitter post relating that someone said they thought you had been healed in response to still taking your meds….hmmm, YOU HAVE BEEN HEALED!!! God’s way of showing you healing was in using medicine to align the chemical imbalance!!! I’m sorry there is so much stigma with this…my Mom went through a very low time, and we almost lost her. My Dad’s response…not good! She has lived another 19 yrs, very productive, works at Wal-Mart in her town but I will never truly have MY MOM back! She and Daddy are still married, her choice, or so she says. I love them both, struggle with honor and am thankful that God continues to give us day after day with such a strong woman of faith!!!
Thank you for sharing!
Dear Shiela,
I read your blog yesterday, commented on it initially, thought about it more and came back to read it once again.
The anguish that is left behind after a suicide must be staggering. To understand its impact on the parents or friends or whomever is important for the person who is suicidal. As a person who has felt no hope, I know firsthand how it can be so oppressive and so hard to even understand what emotional disaster this act would be for those left behind.
For the survivors, I am sure they must feel some pang of guilt. And the clouded reasoning leading one to commit suicide does not provide any comfort for the survivors.
I now try to keep that front of mind; on how my depression impacts those around me. By keeping Him front of mind is the biggest help. It is challenging at times as this is a road I mostly gone alone so I do appreciate you sharing your experiences as these stories becomes real and a means to illustrate how we do NOT go it alone but that He is right there. We are able to see the success stories of making it out of that darkness. Kudos!
I have been on, or I am currently on, Zoloft, Lexapro, Wellbutrin, Trazodone, and Cymbalta. Some I use for a pain killer for the physical pain I endure….others to help with the emotional pain. On top of that I take hard core pain killers (Fentanyl patch and lozenge) in order for me to get up and somewhat function and provide what I can to our household. I guess all this helps but I still have such a heaviness at times which unfortunately is partially due to some of my many ailments.
My various illnesses and drugs I must take unfortunately lay more levels of depression onto what is already there…I wish folks understood that not everyone can take a pill and that it will cure them of depression. Thankfully in most cases it does.
With a list of ailments + a list of doctors + a list of meds…a lifetime of managing chronic and possibly fatal ailments…and me being 46 years old, I wonder how my life will be in the coming years. But I do my best to remind myself that I need to trust in Him which is my biggest challenge of all. I try focusing just on today.
I see how you manage and it seems with ease, yes?
I hope I reach that point someday. I wrestle with it often as I am a Type A+ Personality that wants to control each and every aspect of not only my life but those around me. Probably not the best life-plan, yes? Actually, I work hard to focus on what the ‘new’ me can focus on and achieve. Going from workaholic big time executive it was difficult to reach this point of lowering my expectations and instead give myself a pat on the back when I can cross a few things off of my list for the week.
One day I would like to share my experiences from where I was and where I am now. I still need a lot of work but I know that Christ is my center point now…not the big business deals I used to secure. This reassurance has helped with my depression but I nust never forget that it will be a challenge for life.
I pray for you and for all those that struggle with stresses in marriage, family, work, and health. For me, reminding myslef that He is with me along this new path, gives me some peace.
God bless! And Write on! (or…Right on!)
Just saw this. My mother was 11 when her mother killed herself with a shotgun and I know the devastation that it causes. She married my father, a manic-depressive with a violent temper who wanted so badly to serve God but was trapped by his emotions. They were Christians but nobody in the church knew what was happening. We all lied very well.
I’m glad to know that there are Christians who do understand that just because you’re a Christian doesn’t mean you don’t struggle with great darkness. If my dad would’ve been on medication, if my grandmother would’ve been, who knows what would have happened? God does and God certainly transformed our lives in spite of the pain. But, I think the church does need to stop making its people suffer alone. We’re supposed to lift one anothers’ burdens, after all.
Dear Sheila, a powerful entry that reminded me of your beautiful book, Honestly. I remember reading it and crying and receiving such hope. I often wish I could pick it up and read portions again, but I couldn’t fit it in my over-weight suitcase when I left for the mission field. I shall try to remember it next time I’m home
grace grace as you serve Him—-